Almost a century ago I lived in a room very similar to my current digs.
My freshman dorm room at Buffalo State College was just like my new place in Golders Green. They both are approximately 13 X 9 feet boxes, have white quas-plaster crumbling walls, and only one window that opens, and I am at wit’s end finding somewhere to stow a dozen pairs of jeans and still keep my sanity.
It makes me wonder since I have backslidden in housing, does that mean I have fallen back to that place in my life, just a young freshman in the college of life?
Physically I haven’t grown an inch since I was 17 and was a buck forty, I have pretty much the same build that I had then. I also recently cut my hair to my ears and am wearing it stark blond, exactly as I did eight years ago in August.
I am still just like an awkward teen. Before we went out this afternoon I changed my clothes several times. After college, career, and oh so many lessons learned, I am still straining to be comfortable in my skin.
Socially I have come a long way. Here in Londo,n I have yet to find a close girlfriend or a click of friends. Back then I turned to Phi Sig, a group of women who reflected the values (booze, boys, blunts, and fierce loyalty) I upheld. Nowadays I don’t feel a strong urge to identify with new women. I have all the friends I can handle and a boyfriend who suffers from ADD in our relationship.
I am emotionally much more stable than back then. I try to consciously make decisions based on facts instead of feelings. It is a proper way to make big decisions and is generally uber-effective. In finding a flat in London I was tempted to take the first housing opportunity available. It was the feeling of immediate security that lured me. After talking it over with Matthew and logically presenting facts and the pros versus cons (a great way to make a decision, thanks for teaching me Jill) we decided against it. We ended up in a far superior location for 50 pounds less a month.
As for my mental state of being, I am forever concerned that my mind and knowledge expanded with college and then deteriorated after I graduated.
I constantly feel insecure about why I lazily choose the television over a book, why I can’t remember all the rules of grammar, and why I am not constantly yearning to learn. I think graduate school or classes may be the only way to keep my mind developing instead of breaking down.
Maybe I am, in so many ways, reliving my carefree days of 1998. But need not worry mother, I promise there will be no midnight calls concerning my drunken behavior. Because even though my spirit is free, I am still a 25-year-old who falls asleep before the clock strikes midnight and has little interest in doing keg stands (OK, maybe if there was an alumnae reunion!)